What does it mean to trust God?

You know, a year ago, I thought I knew what it meant to trust God. Now, I am finding that I still have a lot to learn. Almost two years ago now, I took a leap of faith, in my opinion, and married the father of my beautiful son, Matt. He wasn’t born then, but still. I finally moved out of my mother’s house and moved in with my husband. We were renting our first home and it had a lot of issues. One of the rooms had a huge hole in the floor, there was mold in one of the bathrooms, but what really put the icing on the cake was that the house was infested with rats. Since we had just had a baby, we knew that we could not stay there. So we bought a house to put on some land out in the country, and never looked back.

Through it all we trusted that God would take care of us and provide for all our needs. At the time, we were both working full time outside of the home. When you have two incomes coming into the home, it’s not hard to believe in God’s provision. Then, in January of this year, I lost my job. The funny thing is, is that I had been praying to God to make a way for me to stay home and spend more time with my son. Then, my job was gone. I know that was an act of God, and I was grateful for the opportunity to be a full time mom. I was also grateful for my father-in-law who hired me as a part time receptionist for his business during that time.

Money became a little tighter, but we were still able to meet all of our financial obligations. After all, my husband still had his job and in his spare time he would do some graphic work for his friends who would pay him for his services. It was during this time that I found out I was pregnant again. My husband and I had had no intentions of having another child so soon, but there it was. We knew we would need to make some sort of change to bring forth more income, but we didn’t know what it would be. I took to praying each night that God would increase my husband and the work of his hands so that he could support our growing family.

A few months later, after becoming increasingly frustrated with his job and the new rules his boss was enforcing, my husband made the decision to leave his job and go to work for himself full time. While I was nervous about his decision, I believed that God was making a way for the increase to come. While working full time, my husband was unable to seek out his own clients to support a graphic and web design company of his own. But once he left his job, he was able to market more. At first the work came in consistently. But this last week has been slow, so slow in fact that we have missed the due date on a few of our bills.

I thought I knew what it meant to trust in God. But as I sit and wait for the customers to come, for the money to come in, I realize that my trust may have been more in the mode/means of provision rather than in the provider Himself. See, when it comes to a job, I expect the money to be in by a certain time. In the case of my husband’s job, the rate of pay varied from month to month, but the payment always came in at the same time. I didn’t have to worry about whether or not we would have enough to pay the light bill or make the car payment because I knew the money would be there.

The truth is there is a difference between having faith and knowing. When you know something it’s because you have seen it and experienced it, and you know what to expect. Faith is believing in something you have not seen and “is the substance of things hoped for” (Hebrews 11:1). The bottom line is, you don’t know. I know what the Word of God says, I have read it. It says God is my provider (Philippians 4:19), it says “do not worry about what tomorrow will bring because today has enough troubles of its own” Matthew 6:34. David said, “I have not seen the righteous forsaken or begging bread” Psalm 37:25.

But, the truth is I have seen and heard of professing believers losing their houses, having to ask their friends, neighbors, and church for help. I see and hear about our brothers and sisters in Christ in other countries who are poor and are being persecuted for their beliefs, and I wonder, what makes me think I will live a life without struggle? I am torn, because I don’t know the plan that God has for my life. Who is to say that I wasn’t born to suffer, to struggle? Many pastors these days preach that God wants us to live in prosperity, but I look at the disciples who were closest to Jesus, and theirs was anything but a life of prosperity. Being that I too want to be a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I wonder, what does He have for me? I don’t know.

What I do know is that my life is in His hands, whatever He decides. I know He has a plan for me even if I don’t know what that plan is or what it entails. I pray that God will send His provision so that we can have the means to pay our bills. But at the same time, I am prepared, at least mentally, for the outcome if He doesn’t. Regardless of what happens, I know that God is my God and He works” all things together for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28. Even if the situation doesn’t seem good at the time, if He gets the glory, then it is good. I trust God with my life. I believe that He knows what is best for me. I may think I know what is best, a big car, a big house, to be debt free, etc. But for some people, these things can be a hindrance rather than a blessing. I do not know what boat I am in, but God does. So even while I pray and ask God to send the resources, at the same time I say, “Yet not my will, but Yours be done” Luke 22:42. Lord use me as You see fit for You are the potter and I am the clay (Jeremiah 18:3-4; Isaiah 64:8), in Jesus name, Amen.